I Ache Inside

Oh, the pain!
I am not talking about physical pain but something worse, the pain of the mind.
It is like a bad infection that just keep growing and growing.
A pain so great it paralyses you.
You sit and wonder things like “Why is this happening to me?” and “Will this ever end?”
Oh, how I ache inside.
You do the things like tell yourself things will get better or don’t worry so much because it is just bad stretch you are going through or keep your head up.
You try to put on that smiley face, especially around friends. You do not want others knowing you are so sad all the time.
Oh, how I ache inside.
The pain of the mind becomes so unbearable that you go home every night and lay in your bed and cry yourself to sleep.
That is until you wake up in the middle of the night and cannot go back to sleep because the mind pain is too much.
Oh, how I ache inside.
You tell yourself you are not a quitter; that you have done so much in your life to get to this point. You tell yourself that you have been through worse than this. You tell yourself that this is just another challenge or obstacle to overcome so quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something.
The only thing is the mind pain puts up a seemingly impenetrable wall that keeps you away from the freedom to go on and live your life.
Oh, how I ache inside.
Oh, the pain!
Oh, how I ache inside.

Darkness of The Mind

It is black
When I go deep in the recesses of my mind
For what am I searching for
I am looking for that escape
That thing
What is it
What has put the shadows that encased me in the abyss
I am looking for that self-love, that self-respect
Oh, but it is blackness
Where is the light
For what will give me freedom
Why have I become beholden to the sadness?
I go on feeling through the tunnel of life
Yet, it is all for naught
For my future seems dark
All I see is black
I cannot find the hope
I cannot find love
The shadows are darkest in my mind
Where is the light
The tunnel has no end
Just black
Just dark

Living With A Blood Disease

The Musing Cogitator's Blood Removal
The Musing Cogitator’s Blood Removal

As stated in a previous post, I was diagnosed as having a blood disease called hemochromatosis.

This week, I had my second blood removal, which is properly known as phlebotomy. The procedure is simple enough, it’s just like blood donation.

Only, I am not donating blood that may save someone’s life. In fact, as of now, I am not allowed to donate blood. In fact, should I ever require surgery, I must use my own blood. My blood is like a poison to anybody else, in addition to it being a poison to myself. That is somewhat extreme, yet in essence, it is the truth.

Yesterday was harrowing. After the removal was completed, I feel my usual dizziness. Fifteen minutes later, trepidation had set in. I was completely disoriented; my vision became totally blurry, and nearly collapsed. The nurses have to observe you for thirty minutes, so I received assistance immediately. It took nearly a whole hour before I could leave the clinic.

I had was informed that my iron levels were high over ten years ago and it was mentioned more than once over the next couple of years after. I was living in Las Vegas when I first heard of high iron. Before moving back home this year, I resided in Atlanta. My doctors there never said a word about it.  Now I am finally back in my hometown, and my new doctors are scrambling to get me treatment.

I went through a period of extreme anger. I wondered why my doctors in Atlanta did not see the problem, while everyone else did. I am less bitter, but the thought stills sits in the back of mind.

Up next is a MRI to check my liver for any signs of cirrhosis, along with my pancreas and thyroid. Plus, I saw a nutritionist today. My diet needs to be closely monitored, especially when considering my iron intake. No cereal, citrus, or raw seafood. Red meat and blue fin tuna consumption must be kept to a minimum.

Thank you all for support.





Thank You To My Subscribers

I just wanted to say thank you to all of you that have taken the time to read or peruse my site. The past year has been tumultuous to say the least.

Because of school, I rarely had the time to concentrate on getting the blog to where I desired it to be. I also had to make life changes as I moved back home to be near my family. Plus, as stated in my previous post, I have medical issues to deal with.

The good news is that I can finally get to work on making this blog a source of great and informative content. You will notice changes have been made to the appearance of the site and more changes will take place over the coming weeks and months.

The goal is to post two or three times a week whenever possible. This blog at moment will be my full-time gig as treatment of my medical issues take up the majority of my time.

I want to say thank you one more time, and hope my words will give you a satisfying experience.